closing a chapter and beginning anew......

long time away.  i know.  its been a long time because in truth, there has been so much going on in my life that its impossible to talk about everything.  and in truth, i'm still trying to compartmentalize everything.  so i can deal with them and move on.  but as of now, i'm fine.  2011 has done me both good and dirty.  it gave me a chance to see just who i feel like i can depend on when i'm in need.  it showed me who i can count on professionally and personally.  and it also showed me that my outlook on things are pretty dead on.  so, as i leave one chapter of my life, germany, and start my new chapter on life, georgia, i'm excited and sad.  sad because i had to leave after dam near 7 years.  allot happened in those years but i wouldnt change a thing.  i got to basically watch my babies grow up.  time i surely would have missed had things went any other way.  my goal going to germany was to make sure i supported jennifer and helped her raise our children.  i think i accomplished that.  i think that had i not gone, my kids wouldn't know me as the man i am today.  nor would i have become the man i am today.  when i look at dante and janae today, i feel like we have done so much to make them the people that they will become.  and i happy about that.  truly happy.  in those 7 years, i also got a chance to meet my current wife, April, and add another beautiful member to the grant family.  destiny.  so going forward, i am excited.  excited to see what this marriage brings me and excited to see what we become.  i am also excited in knowing that one day, i will be able to reunite with dante and janae so i can have all my babies in one place.  even if for a minute.  on a professional note, in those 7 years, i have come so far.  i think so anyway, but for some reason, there is an empty feeling or a feeling that something was left undone.  who knows.  because my unit was deployed when i returned from afghanistan, i kind of feel like i left under the vail of night.  like i wasn't celebrated like everyone that left before me.  because in 7 years, i have done so much for one BN.  its tragic to leave the way i did.  not being ungrateful though, my company did allot for me on my way out.  i'm completely happy with the way i left the company.  and i feel like me and my ncos laid a foundation with the soldiers we had that they too will become great ncos.  i got a chance to work with some really great people to include my battle buddy for life, cpt allen. so all is not for a loss.  i can accept that we did our jobs to the fullest.  period.  as for where i'm going, i'll say that i'm not completely sold on my new job yet, but we will see whats to come in the very near future.  no excitement in that arena.  as my time in the military is winding down, its hard to be excited to be beginning again.  in my mind, same shit, different day, different location.  anyway, i'm tired now so i'm bout to be out. as for my future in writing, i am about to start a new blog called "my story".  its going to be what "the life and times...." was supposed to be.  a story of my life.  in writing.  chapter to chapter.  as i see it.  so, in the next coming months, look forward to that.  i won't publish it until i have a few chapters written out.  so till then, take it easy.  one.

Memorial Day 2011 - A Fews Thoughts From Myself......

I haven't thought allot about Memorial Day because for so long I have been living what America is celebrating. So have my Mother, my Wife, my Brothers-In-Laws, and Brothers and Sisters in arms. Through OUR many deployments, WE have been fortunate enough to have come home alive each time.

Having just returned from Afghanistan I have been fortunate to serve as a First Sergeant, deploy with and return with everyone. And yes, we had a few come home early for various reasons, but we came home alive. That was my only real GOAL going in.

While there I heard many stories of battles and attacks that were very REAL to those who told it.  Some funny, some down right scary.  And while I have many of my own stories, minus the motars that fell from the sky in Iraq that November day in 2008 at 0700hrs, I cant say I felt my life was in any real danger.  And yes, there are many other moments that stick close to my mind like glue, as I said earlier, I have been fortunate.  Thats the life of most Soldiers.  There are MANY however, who can't say that.  Who will never come home.  Who will never get to tell THIER story.  Who will NEVER get to go home to those who LOVE and MISS them.  To all those Soldiers who gave the ULTIMATE SACRIFICE, I give the upmost RESPECT.  And I PRAY that you are in a better place.

I was just watching a 60 Minutes show detailing a battle and the heroics of a the First Living Medal Of Honor recipient SSG Sal Giunta. It brought back tons of memories. And it made me take a step back. To see the land that I just came home from. To see the similarities I heard in many of the stories I had the honor of hearing. And it made me think.  That the American Soldier has took on so much.  And as a LEADER, there is nothing I can say that will make up for all that you have done, time you have missed or the lives you have given on the BATTLE FIELD.  Also that my FAMILY has taken on so much.  All the nights laid up thinking about us.  All the days you lived without your Soldier.  All the memories you have had to make on your own.  SO there is NO way I could live today without thinking of you and all that you have done for me and mines.  To you, I give the upmost RESPECT as well. Thank you for all you do and have done on this MEMORIAL DAY.  Continue to support myself, my Soldiers and the U.S. ARMY.  We will continue to protect this country, and everything that keeps this country FREE. One.

P.S.  I choose this photo because this if of me in my gear.  Doing my thing.  Being a First Sergeant.  One.

A Letter to Fam.....

Hello Fam.

I just wanted to let you all know that I'm doing well right now.  The new year has started but to me its a date on the calendar.  The most important thing about that date is me being able to say I got very close to 90 days left in this place.  I hope you all had a good holiday season and are thankful for everyone and everything that you have in your lives.  Cause as a Family, we are truly blessed.  I looked back over the past year and I would say that its been an extremely trying time for me.  As with everything though, you have to put the negative behind you and keep it moving.  You all know my story so no need to rehash any of it.  I would like to thank you all for the support that you have shown me this past year.  It really meant allot.  My mother and Grandma for keeping my Destiny for me.  I know it wasn't the smoothest start, and I can be a handful myself, but you did an outstanding job with her.  Also for your continued support throughout this deployment.  Jennifer for continuing to keep my Dante and Janae on the straight and narrow.  I know its hard to raise children without both parents but you continue to amaze me with your strength.  My children couldn't ask for a better mother.  I go to sleep every night without worrying that they are well taken care of.  My Dad for his continued Words of Wisdom and prayers.  Also for you attentive ear.  The conversations we have, although not many are very insightful.  I always take something from them.  And will continue to in the future.  My Sisters.  Yall are my loves.  My ladies.  We don't get to see each other much due to me always being half way around the world.  But whether you know it or not, you are always with me.  There has never been a woman in my life that I didn't put up against you both.  My expectations of women are very high, and thats because of you.  Smile. I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing, but all three of you are special to me.  Reason being, I continue to see you make things happen, no matter what.  Whats not to love about that.  My Dante, Janae and Destiny.  You are my light.  That which wakes me up every morning.  Everything I do is for you.  Period.  I want each of you to know that no matter where I find myself in this world, my mind never goes far from you.  I watch you with amazement from afar.  And I cherish every moment that I hear your voices.  They stay with me always.  Especially when things are rough on me.  So, thank you for being you and for who you will become.  And last but certainly not least, my Wife.  You made it through your deployment.  A few years ago, you cried because you didn't want to go to war.  You felt like you would surely die.  But I told you I been there twice and that you would make it back safely.  And you did.  You brought yourself back to me and to my daughter safely.  Now we are at the point where we are married and moving forward with our Family.  That means allot and allot is expected.  Both from you and from me.  I said something about Expecting More.  That means to me that we have to expect more from each other.  Express those expectations so that they are not lost in the shuffle.  I am willing to listen as I always have been.  The same will be expected of you.  We have been apart for way more time than each of us would like, but when we come back together, things will be fine.  Its not going to be easy by no means as we have both changed allot during this time apart.  But I can truly say, that this is what I want.  And I don't want to be anywhere else but with you.  I cant say enough how much I love you and miss you.  Well Fam, I have to go.  Thanks for listening as usual.  One.  

Love Ronde

Janae....The Big 8....

Hey Baby. Happy Birthday!!!!! The BIG 8. Smile. It seems that I have missed another one. Yeah, I know. But we did get to talk so hopefully that made up for me not being there yet again. So sorry about that. I’m sure I’ll get a chance to make it up to you. Hopefully the party went well and you had a blast. I was just sitting here thinking about your birthday and what it means to me. Since I’m halfway around the world, I was thinking about one of the most memorable ones I had the opportunity to have with you. That would have had to be your first one. I dont know if you heard the story about that one.  So I'm going to give you a bit of insight.  I was home for RnR leave during my first deployment just in time to celebrate your birthday. I swear, it seemed like the whole family and neighborhood came out for that one. Looking back on it, it seemed like 30 or 40 people was there.  Smile. It was really 2 parties in one. One for me and one for you. You took center stage though, as always. The best part would have had to been when we gave you your own cake. See, we got two cakes, one for the guests and one for you. It had a little Tweety bird on top of it cause you were so dam yellow and your head was kind of big like your mother. I mean mines. Lol. Anyway, you took that cake and smashed your face into it trying to eat it. You looked up and had cake all over your face. I swear, it was too cute. You then proceeded to put your hands in your hair so now you had that cake everywhere. I got a ton of pictures from it if you would like to see them. We ended up having to give you a shower after that one. When you got cleaned up, it was time to get presents. When I say it looked like Xmas up in there. I aint playing.  People was like dam, how much shit she need. Funny thing was, we got you allot of stuff, but since everyone else brought a gift, it was just extra. We even had to get Dante a present cause he would have fallen apart from all that stuff you got.  All in all, that day was the best. I know you might might not with me, because you don't remember it, but that was my favorite birthday for you. I’m sure we will have more parties and great times. Hell, you only 8. So you got plenty more Birthdays to go and many more memories to have.  So till the next one, I love you baby. Enjoy your day.  One.


Love Daddy.

Don't Envy Me.....2

I started this out before but I was getting lost within my thoughts. So here I am, starting again. Hopefully I get this out correctly this time. Life is playing a cruel joke on me. Its giving me a great successful military career all the while its hurting and pulling me away from the things that matter most to me. My family. As a husband, I cant be there to console my wife in her times to need. I cant spend the quality time that is needed to cultivate a serious long term relationship with the one that I chose to live my life with. I cant do anything but call home and say words that are meaningless because I’m not there to back them up. As a father, I’m not able to check homework, watch cartoons, play games, give hugs, or provide the guidance and comfort that kids need from their father. I see my family on the internet from time to time and see the excitement in their faces and I love that. But I cant help but think this is backwards. The thousands of phone calls made to tell my family I love them. The millions of texts to do the same. The emails and gifts sent out to attempt to show that I am still here. From the other side of the planet. All the while, I’m feeling like I have lost my place in their life. I said in an text to my wife that I couldn't compete with life. Not from here. Not from the other side of the planet. Cause while I’m here, life goes on there. In Georgia, in Germany. They are all living in the NOW.  While I am looking towards the future cause the NOW for me has me being away from them.  And I cant do a dam thing about what life presents them there. I cant compete. So, I’m in a bad spot. I can provide monetarily, I can be heard from a distance yet I cant be a force in their lives. So while things are great for me here in the military, as I said before, I’m going to have to give it all up in order to have the life I really want. That of a husband, that as a father, that as a son, that as a brother and as a good, reliable friend. So don't envy me, my rank or my current position in society. Because the most important thing in life is that which will be there forever, Family. One.

Facebook Fanatics.....

I’m starting this after taking a hiatus of sorts from writing. Pouring out my life over pages on the internet. With the invention of Facebook, I kind of felt like it was pointless. Since every time you want to let something out, good or bad, you can just do it in small spurts on there. Convenient and to the point. However, I've noticed that even though you can do that, you are always hiding something. There is always something

that you want to say that you might not say because you are afraid to open up completely in front of the people you know (I fall into that category) You want people to know how you are doing, what's going on in your life but you don't want to have to come out and say it. You want them to ask you. You want them to say, What's going on? So you can respond. Maybe you are looking for someone to talk to. Hoping somebody notices you. Maybe you are reaching out, hoping that one person extends a hand. And you are getting to see how much they think of you. I’m sure you will see yourself in here somewhere. Regardless of which category you fall into, don't forget that life isn't lived on Facebook. Its only an outlet. Real life is played out in person. Real life connections still need to be made and cultivated. Life's real problems cannot be worked out within the short lines of Facebook. So at some point, you have to put FB down and show up and represent yourself in person. Because its pointless to be a forceful person over Facebook and have tons to say yet can’t defend yourself in person and speak up for what you believe. That makes you a front. Don't ever forget this. I’ll probably never leave Facebook myself, but I will never again live within its boundaries. One.

Introducing Mrs. April Dominique Grant......

On 13 August 2010, Ms. April Dominique Carlton married Mr. Oronde Ato Grant. In attendance was my Mother, Ms. Smalls. My Grandmother, Ms. Jones. All of my beautiful children, Dante, Janae and Destiny Grant were there as well. We were married in Huntsville, Alabama at the Justice of Peace. We didn’t have a big wedding due to several reasons. The biggest one being time. With April’s recent return from combat and my short R&R vacation period. There just wasn’t enough time. So we will do a bigger one at some point in the future. That’s my promise. For now though, we felt it was more important to get on with building our future together than to wait until later. As the world knows, our life has been put on hold by the military for the longest. And it’s been hard on us as we have had to endure 3 deployments in our 4 short years together. But we have persevered and this is just the beginning of what I hope will be last till eternity. We still have yet another year apart to endure but the building process has already started. And I’m excited to say the least. I have made up my mind that I will not repeat the mistakes that I made in my past. I’ve put my past behind me and am living for the future. Our future. And am now trying to be the best husband anyone could hope for. This is my dedication to my wife, my future, my Mrs. Grant. So, raise your wine glasses ladies and gentlemen. Introducing to the world, Mrs. April Dominique Grant, stand up and take a bow babe. I love you now, tomorrow and forever. One.

Love Your Husband

Ronde

Saying Goodbye…..

Jennifer,

I know this a good month late but I felt I needed to send this to you. July 5, 2004, our divorce became final. It was something that didn’t have to happen but due to me and my issues, it was inevitable. I don’t know how many times I apologized but there is nothing you can real say to make the hurt of be done wrong go away. I have tried over the years but I know it’s probably still there somewhere. We have had many talks since that time and even tried to see if we could work things out. But it didn’t. More misunderstanding eventually got the best of us. So we both moved on but never making a commitment that said, this is it, this is over. Because things left unsaid meant that there was always a chance that we would end back up together one day. Well that time has finally come that I say good bye in that sense and move forward with my new wife. With that said, I wanted to thank you for all the good times, let go of the bad times and wish you all the happiness and joy that you can hope for as you move forward with your life. Know that I will always be here for you as you are still one of the best mothers in the world. A very good friend. And will always be a part of the Grant family. Continue to do all that you do for my babies. Good luck to you and thank you for all you have done for me. Don’t hesitate to get at me if you need too. Cause I will always be here. One.

Sincerely Ronde

Suspended In Time.....

I thought I’d start this off by saying that time is so cruel. Lost time can not be made up. You can only make the time you have better. More meaningful. Because that's all you can do cause time waits for no man. This is my third deployment since 2003 and I can honestly without a doubt say I have lost 3 plus years of my life. Time from my marriage which in evidently ended in July of 2004. Time from my kids whom have all grown to be some of the most beautiful children I could hope for. Time from my fiancé whom I have not just lost 15 months of my own deployment but another 12 months from hers and and in the end, another 10 months from this current deployment. That's 7 months we have been together over the last 3 years. I wonder sometimes if our relationship can handle another year apart. That's what time does. It goes along never to be recovered. That's why so many little things are important to me. I value every time I get to hear the worlds I love you. I miss you. To hear my kids tell me in so simple words of what they did in school. Of seeing my daughter on webcam talking so seriously about nothing at all. Of seeing my fiancé on webcam doing her hair. Of reading on FB that the ppl I love and care about are thinking of me even though their lives have to continue on. I don't know if I can do this again. Leave home again. Leave my family again for yet another deployment and hope that though that time, that our love keeps us together. That's allot to expect of ppl. And it bothers me. It bothers me to think that 2 months into this deployment, I am already so weary that 10 more months seem so fucking far away. Like how are we going to make it. Then I look at that time and think of how much I am going to miss. I wont see my fiancé return from her deployment. I wont be able to sit in the gym and watch her march back in. I wont be able to take her home. She will come back to an empty home with an unmade bed that I didn't have time to make cause I was rushing to make it back to my other home. there wont be food in the house. All the plans I was thinking about to welcome her home will never happen cause I cant be there. I wont get to have my kids over every other weekend. No long drives where they fall asleep on me every single time. Smile. No video games with my son. No funny faces from my daughter. No hiding my Iphone from my youngest baby. I miss yall. I truly do. With every breath in my body. There is no way I can make up for this time lost. Only make the time we do spend together mean more. Take advantage of the 2 short weeks we get to see each other. So that you will remember those times when you miss me. Like I remember everything about the time we spent together. I love you. I miss you. And while I'm away this time, keep living, keep growing, and keep me with you all the time. Cause you are definitely with me. One.

If It Aint One Thing....WTF....

I have to say this.  Because Im back on my writing shit right now.  And I have to get this off my chest.  What was said to me started out like this.  Ronde, this is going to be harsh but...The story then went on to this.  My Son belives that I favor Destiny over him and Janae.  I asked, how would you let him say that and you not kill that thought.  Why would some shit like that be validated.  Cause its so not true.  That I havent called my kids in two weeks.  Another lie.  That I was supposed to pick the kids up this weekend and that because I didnt, I was wrong.  Even after I got told to dont worry about it.  After I had set up a ride for them to come down and after I left a couple messages the night prior about it and got nothing in response.  This, after we talked earlier that day about it and what I was trying to set up.  Then I get a call at 2 in the afternoon the next day asking what was I going to do.  After the ride I secured for them coming my way had already left.  Cause of course, if I was going to see them, I would have to drive the 4 hours that I drive every other weekend.  I swear on my life.  I do all I can to see my children without killing myself.  Bending over backwards to see them.  Making that drive, every other weekend cause I want them to know that I am here and a apart of thier life.  I want them to see that I am making an effort to spend time with them.  No matter whats going on on my life.  I have always put them first.  Even in front of myself.  So, to be told that if I see them I see them.  Is complete bullshit.  Its a slap in the face by the woman that I also bend over fucking backwards to support.  Who never complains when I send what she needs when she needs it.  Who I ensure is taken care of because she takes care of my children.  Who in the 9 months that I have been in Schweinfurt have only come to pick up the kids 1 time have the fuckin nerve to say to me.  I got this.  I will take care of them.  If you see them you see them.  Thats complete and utter disrespect to me and all I stand for.  And to let my Son say what he said and not fix it on the spot.  And to let my daughter get on the phone when she feels like it when I call.  That hurts.  I dont know if Im coming back from this deployment or not.  I dont know what the future holds for me.  But I will not be made to feel like I am being less than a Father to my children because I have given my life to them.  Other than letting them live with me full time, which they mother wouldnt allow, there is nothing more I can do to show them that I am who I say I am.  And GOD knows I aint perfect, but I try when it comes to them.  I forgo my happiness more than often so they can be happy.  So, I dont know if there is anything else to say.  I'm tired.  And I deserve more respect than that.  I am on my fucking way to a deployment and this is the shit I have to put up with.  I just dont believe it.  Period.  One.